True Story? Timothy Age 5

I was stuck in a small cage in a dark room.  There was a man, he was older.  He would come in and bang on the cage every once in a while.  I was scared.  I wanted my mommy.  He came up to my home while I was playing outside. I was playing with a blue ball and he grabbed me up and threw me into a van slamming the door quickly.  I started crying.  Where was my mommy? Where am I? I was scared.

When he would let me out of the cage he was dressed like a woman and he pretended it was tea time and served me tea.  I didn’t want to play and he’d get angry.  He’d put me back into the cage.  I would cry. Why couldn’t my mommy come get me?

There was a room he made up like a kids room.  It was small and there was one lamp dimly lit on the tiny table. He let me sleep there. I tried opening the door but it wouldn’t open.  One day he came into my room and he said, “You’ve been a bad boy!” in a rough voice.  He suddenly placed a plastic bag over my head and I couldn’t breathe. I was flailing around but I couldn’t breathe. It was painful.  All I could think about was my mommy and daddy.  He buried me.  I don’t know where, in a dark place.

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True Story? Tiffany Burbanks.

I went to a party with a friend.  I was bored because I didn’t know anyone there so I wandered off by myself.  The party was at night by the river in Massachusetts. I wandered into the woods.  I don’t know how long I’d been walking for, I’d been messing around on my cell phone. I might have been out there for an hour or so, who knows.  I saw lights up ahead so I went over to see what it was.

There were these people in cloaks, red cloaks with hoods.  There was a table and right next to it was a wooden pole and it branched out over the table where there was a rope hanging from the top.  I felt uncomfortable like I wasn’t suppose to be seeing this so I slowly turned around.  As I did the leaves beneath my shoe made a crackling sound.  Someone heard me.

“Hey!” a mans voice yelled. I just ran. I ran as fast as I could. I tripped. I got up and started running again.  I could hear him getting closer and closer, he was catching up to me. I tripped again. He pulled me by my feet dragging me along the ground as I squirmed to get loose. When I turned around to face him all I saw was a large rock coming down on me. He hit me in the head with a rock and I was nearly passed out.  I moaned in pain and confusion as he dragged me off.

I was barely conscience. I saw the people in the red cloaks pass by, all I could see was their feet.  They lifted me up and tied something around my legs and I was suspended in the air. They ripped my clothes off, everything.  I was naked. They all gathered around me.  I couldn’t hear much my head hurt and blood was dripping down my head.

There was someone talking to the people.  I saw someone in the distance holding onto a goat.  I heard the man say “Our Lord has sent us a better sacrifice.”  I was scared. I knew I was going to die there.  I thought about my parents, my boyfriend, how I wished I had never gone to that party.  My friend wanted me to go with her because of a guy she liked who was older than she was.  The man got up onto the table and said, “Bring the bowl.”  It was a very large bowl that looked old made of iron or something.  I started crying.  I had seen the mans face as he came up onto the table.  He looked into my eyes and all I felt was pure evil as I looked back into them.

I saw the blade he held up. Felt the coldness of the blade as he laid it against my lower stomach. He sliced me open from down below to my neck. I was choking on my own blood, and then that was it.

The bowl was filled with my blood.  He went around with the bowl and everyone took their hoods off.  He spilled the blood over each one of their heads and they laughed and smeared it all over their faces.  He was last and he held it up into the air for a moment as if it was an offering.  Then hedumped it over himself while smiling.

They cut my body down and it made a thud on the table.  They treated me like I was an animal.  They burned my body and I was never found.

 

The worst is going backwards.

I haven’t posted on here in a while, and there’s a reason for that. I went on vacation on May 9th for two weeks and I screwed up.  No one told me I shouldn’t over drink.  Although maybe I should have known myself but I wanted to have fun on vacation.  I hadn’t seen my brother in 3 years and I wanted to have fun with him so we drank and I over drank and I hallucinated and I drank some other days like you do with family and friends but it f^cked my progress up.

The more depressed I am, the less I post.  Who know a few days of hard drinking, and they were only 2 or three days would ruin me for God knows how long?  it’s been about two months since and I am depressed as ever again still and just getting over my paranoia.

Does anyone understand me when I say everything is difficult.  Gettting out of bed, reading, being around people, chores, watching tv, taking a shower, moving. I’m tired, I feel weak and sick and depressed and the only thing that got me through taking my dog out for 6 minutes to take a shyt was a cigarette.

The only thing I did today was go to work and lie on the couch staring off into space for 3 hours.  I feel even worse and I know I should be doing things, anything but it’s like you lose either way.  Typing this I feel anxious and uncomfortable and I want to go lie back down.

I’m tired of everything being difficult.  I can’t start my life or even have a little fun when I’m like this.  Everything is torture.

A Hard Life

You know, were you ever just lying down on the couch or somewhere by yourself and thought, “This has been a hard life.” (-0-) I’m totally tired. I have been struggling with my mental health since 3rd grade and a day hasn’t gone by where I’ve just felt relief, peace of mind. I always say I feel like I’d be okay if I could just hybernate for about two years. Wouldn’t that be nice? =}

THE LIEBSTER AWARD

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Moze Pray, which is very cool and totally surprised me!  Thank you for nominating me! 🙂  I need to keep up with my blogging now don’t I?  Buuut I’m newwwww to blogginggg. XD

I replied a week late, but I’m still going to post this either way because I love answering questions and finding others struggling with mental illness, relating to them.

Here are the rules, if you are nominated:

Each nominee must have under 200 followers

Thank and link to the nominating blog

Answer their 10 questions and propose 10 new ones for your nominees

Nominate 10 blogs and tell them that they’ve been nominated

Write a post containing the questions

Include these rules in the post

Here are the ten questions given to me by Moze Pray:

1. What would you like to accomplish with your blog?

I started it for a way to express my feelings to see if it would help me but I also love sharing my experiences in a funny way for others to laugh at because mental illness is already such a struggle why not suffer together with laughter?

2. How often do you post to your blog?

I do not post enough.  One reason for this is because I have been switching my medications so my moods have been up and down and up and down and the current one I’m on makes me SUPER tired for at least 10 hours.

3. Do you still read the newspaper?

Haha, no, but when I’m at work and pick up the newspapers people leave at their tables I feel this strong urge to look at it before I throw it away.  I think I might start actually.  It might be relaxing to lie on the couch, read the paper and drink some coffee. ^~^

4. What’s your stance on fighting stigma regarding mental illness?

I’m still in the process of recovering and figuring out who I am as I had no personality until I started on meds, but at work I am not afraid to tell my closer coworkers about my struggles and they have been VERY supportive.  People are surprised when I tell them about being on meds for these problems I have but they are very understanding.

5. What is one place you would like to travel to in the world?

JAPAN.  I LOVE anime, manga and just the culture and etiquette.  I would be broke no joke though so I need to make a career for myself (I’d like to be my own boss) before I go and have a blast in that wonderful land.

6. Name something odd about yourself that you do.

I have this obsession with chocolate chip cookies.  It all started when I was still woozy from my new meds and I was at work about to pass out.  I had a tiny panic attack and was crying and my boss sat me down and talked me through it.  She came up to me a few minutes later saying, “You know what always makes me happy?!  Chocolate.  Do you want a chocolate chip cookie?” I whispered, “o-okay..” like a child and she gave me the double chocolate chip one.  Every since then I have been obsessed with eating chocolate chip cookies and sometimes it’s all I every want to eat.  One day all I had for dinner/lunch were three large varieties of chocolate chip cookies, lol.  My boyfriend was like do you want to eat anything else?  And like a child I was like “No.” *sticks nose up in air*

7. Do you like photography?

I do but don’t do it often.  I recently created an Instagram account and like to take photos of anything I find interesting.  I try to find the best angles and lighting for optimal pleasurability of the eye. XP

8. Do you have any pets?

Yes!  I have a dog.  She is a mix between what we think is a poodle/schnauzer possibly something else.  AKA Schnoodle. Isn’t that cute? °(☌ᴗ☌)°

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9. Mac or Windows?

Mac.  Though I’m open to knew possibilities. XP

10. Why did you start a blog?

To get my feelings out in some way.  I live a lot in my head.  There’s a bit too much going on in here so I think to relieve some of the wiry-ness my brain always seems to be on I try to express it through my blog.

Here are my 10 questions for the following nominated blogs:

1. What is one of your favorite movies of all time and why?

2. Do you have a role model or someone you look up to/want to be like wether it be their hard work ethic or their character?

3. Do you play video games or do you like to read?

4. Where would you like to see yourself in 5 years?

5. What’s your style of dress [ It can totally be the “lazy” look by the way ;D ]

6. Do you have any weird quirks?

7. If you were alone at home and could put on one song/artist to dance your butt off to who would it be? (If you refuse to dance then who would you listen to as you lie there in silence?)

8. If you could be an animated character who would you choose to be and why?

9. A day in the life of _____. If you could choose to be anybody or anything (yeah it could be a weeping willow if you’d so choose) for a day who/what would it be?

10. What/who keeps you going?

These are the blogs I have nominated:

blueberrybagelsforever

Ellay’s Space

confessionsofabipolarII

DearOCD

fightingmemyself

The Delusion of Happiness

You mean the DSM was written about me?

Queen of the Whirl

Diary of an Unfit ‘Runner’

Mysticalmagicalpineapple

Letter to my first true love.

Geodon, Geodon, Geodon, why must you make me suffer so? The first time we met, it was amazing. I was beyond happy. I could see the light of day for the first time in my life. I could do the things I love and more, zealously and without a doubt in my mind, but you caused my heart to beat too fast, and I was scared.

The second time we met, it felt the same. I thought,”You’re the one. The one I’ve been searching for.” But again, you made my heart beat too fast, and I got scared.

We meet again, but I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel the passion, the excitement, the joy.  Was it all a dream? Or the reaction to a first meeting with someone new? I want to feel the way I did when I first met you, and hope that it wasn’t just those feelings of excitement of something new, but of true love, love at first sight, a soulmate.

One Day

One day, I’ll be able to do the things I want, without a second thought. I’ll wake up in the morning, jump up and go for a run.

One day I’ll be able to do the things I love, with only that task in mind, without that feeling in the back of my mind of anxiety or that gloomy dark cloud floating over my head. I’ll enjoy it for what it is, and nothing else.

One day, my mind will be free, and I can enjoy the world, the people, the conversations, everything, not trapped behind these bars, frozen in time.

One day, I will know I can face the day as me, and not as my illness defines me.